Wouldn’t be easier to be a ‘gay man’?
It is unnatural, illogical, totally foreign for me… personally!
Risking to sound like a homophobe (which I am 101% not, even when gay men attack trans people), I will say that again: it is unnatural, foreign, and illogical for me personally to be a ‘gay man’!!!
Actually, being a gay man in Bulgaria is hard and it’s related to a lot of harassment as in every Eastern, Central European, and Slavic country. A lot of prejudice, a lot of filthy lies, hatred from narrow and limited minded small people, who never dare to see outside their own little boxes. But it’s a bit less than the discrimination and anti-rhetoric against trans people. Hiding behind little lies and delusions society didn’t get that we are who we are, not someone who they want us to be! There lays the problem, but that is another topic.
So it’s not easy, but it’s a bit more secure to be a gay man or a lesbian woman until you start to show affection to your beloved one in public. Something that LGB people in here avoid.
So, people think that I am just a confused gay who cross-dress and playing the role of a woman. Cheap and miserable views mostly of illiterate and cowardice men and women, fundamentally insecure in their own selves (not even gender/sex) who need to build up cheap confidence as usual, as they were taught to do by the manipulative evil forces in the society who needs more dumb and easy for manipulation minions to get more power.
First: I am not a man, I know it and I don’t care how you will perceive that. I didn’t have the usual male socialization, I don’t think that women are less of a human, I was afraid to walk home late at night as well as a woman does, I was oppressed and discriminated against on the basis of my inborn appearance — i.e. another trait, characteristic that doesn’t depend on me at all! I have never felt like a ‘man’, and my body is just another inborn flaw. My ‘male parts’ are just a ‘male flaw’ for me, which I realize at the full extent and push them back, not allowing them to determine me. I dare to determine myself!
Secondly: I am not a woman… not a woman in your own sense. A woman that covers the general stereotypes and socially fabricated requirements. I am a woman of my own and I am inviting you to be one, sister, to determine who you are, by knowing yourself, not letting strangers determine you… I am a trans woman — that will stay with me my whole life and I should decide ‘Am I going to be constantly miserable about it or am I going to use it as a shield?’.
I never felt like I want to live as a ‘gay man’. For me, it was not stereotypically or homophobically induced feeling and knowledge. It was an identity, fundamental truth! I can’t live with another man, like the man who I am totally not, never being and never be related to the manhood’s criteria. The fact that other people’s related me with it [the manhood], have nothing to do with my own self. It was their misinterpretation. I can’t and I won’t be a gay man. It’s fundamentally unnatural, wrong, foreign, and illogical for me since day one as a conscious human being.
You can have whatever opinion you want. It just speaks about how less of a decent and literate, at least open-minded human being you are and much you love simplicity, to the extent that you let to be fooled that you are a norm and should oppress the others who refuse or are not born to follow your example. It’s not all your fault, but you embrace it! It’s your ‘delusion’ and you hate to see it exposed that’’s why you transfer the attention from you to other people, putting them in the wrong categories and announcing them for a ‘gay man’, just because you are afraid to accept that they are [trans] women and they are not acceptable and available to you, because you are afraid!
In the end: No, it wouldn’t be easy to stay a ‘gay man’. To stay and live as what I am not. I tried and it ended before it even started, because it was personally totally wrong, unnatural, and illogical for me… I embrace who I am. The unique knowledge that this gives me. The unique experience. I am not changing it, even if I can because this is who/what I am since the dawn of my existence.
I am who I am, not what you want me to be. You must try that*…(WARNING: IT DEMANDS GUTS!!!)
*NOTE: Also, that doesn’t mean that I am inviting you to become a ‘trans person’ — it’s not for everyone and not for all, it has its own requirements! I am inviting you to check inside you, find the positive capacity, your dreams, interests, etc. in you and let them out.